Dante Writes: My Promise to the Animals that Get in my Trash

I’m tired. I’m weak. I’m sore.

Each night it happens. I put the bag of trash into the can. Simple. But next morning, the trash is spilled all over. I mean, ALL…over. All over the lawn. All over my neighbor’s lawn.

“Dante, just put a lid on the cans.”

But I did. And guess what? They ate right through them. Yes, half of the lid is gone. On both cans. I mean, come on. This is Rubbermaid! Kidding me!? Also, it’s gated. So animals have to climb to get my stuff. None of the neighbors seem to have this problem. I wonder why.

So let’s see how I tried to resolve the issue.

First I started off easy. I won’t hurt you little guy, I’m going to put some stuff here to scare you away. You’re not scared? Oh, ok then. Next, I put stuff into the trash that would make the animal sick. Not kill; just make the animal think twice before coming around my neck of the woods again. But no, the trash continues to be spewed all around.

Then I decided it’s time to trap the bastards.

If you love animals, this is the time to stop reading. I tried to set up different traps but those sneaky guys found their way around. Screw this. I’m pissed.

I’m making a promise.

I’m pretty sure there’s at least 3 types of animals getting into the trash. I can smell the skunk. Sure that there’s squirrels. Raccoons are a possibility. It’s time to finish this once and for all. Where I live, October is a time where the animals go hiding away for the winter because it’s that cold where I am. But no, I still don’t need a jacket yet and the animals are still roaming.

But I promise.

Let it be known that I, Dante Lamar Nelson, vow to find the animal(s) responsible for my pain, grief, and embarrassment. And I will end him. His life will come to and end. My dedication to see this through is as serious as I am a 76ers fan. It’s as serious as my love for my Lord and Savior, Jesus. I will spend my winter gearing up.

My plan is simple.

I’m going to turn into an owl. I’m going to spend my nights literally outside waiting for (let’s name the animal Joe). I spent my teen years as a boy scout. I’ve done many of camping trips. I know how to sleep comfortably outside. I’m looking to invest in a tent. There is technology in the house. Video technology. My plan is to set up  recording device focusing on the trash for a few weeks to see if there is any habit to Joe’s timing to get in the trash. Once I establish his “eating” habits, I will then prepare myself to be awake and aware during that time frame.

What am I going to do?

I’m still figuring that out. I’m seriously thinking about investing in a nice pair of gloves and choke the life out the bastard. No guns. Maybe set a few bear traps. I have used a bow and arrow before. I have options to look at during my down time.

You hear me Joe? To paraphrase the movie Taken:I don’t know who you are. What I do know is I have a very particular set of skills. If you leave my trash alone and leave the street, I’ll forget about it. But if you continue to get in my trash, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Simple as that.

-DALANEL

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